Leadership and Self-Deception

Leadership and Self-Deception

— We can be hard and invite productivity and commitment, or we can be hard and invite resistance and ill will. The choice isn’t to be hard or not, it’s to be in the box or not. (seeing people as people or as objects)
— There’s something deeper than behavior that determines our influence on others.
— self-betrayal: an act contrary to what I feel I should do for another
o when I betray myself I start to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal
— certain “boxes” become character and we carry them around with us
o we don’t need to betray in order to go into those boxes
o we carry these self-justifying images with us into new situations— we’re already in the box
o if people act in ways that challenge self-justifying image we perceive them as threats
— when I’m in the box I need to feel justified in being there
— when I’m in the box I need people to cause trouble for me; I need problems
— one can do almost any behavior — ‘soft’, ‘hard’— in the box or out of it
— in the box I get what I need most when I’m run over— my justification
— when I’m in the box I’m self-deceived, blind to the truth about myself and others
o the box undercuts my efforts to obtain the outcomes I want
— collusion: when two or more people are in their boxes toward each other, mutually betraying themselves
— by simply being in the box I provoke in others the very behavior I say I hate in them
o in the box we obtain mutual mistreatment and mutual justification
— in the box I can’t focus on results because I’m focusing on myself
— when I’m blaming others I’m not doing it because I want (or feel they need) to improve, I’m doing it because their shortcomings justify my failure to improve
— self-deception is the germ that creates the disease of self-deception
o symptoms: lack of motivation, commitment
o the result: communication problems
o (I saw myself as a leader who was so sure of my brilliant ideas that I couldn’t allow for brilliance in anyone else’s, a leader who felt I was ‘enlightened’, that I needed to see others’ negatives in order to prove my enlightenment; a leader so driven to be the best no one else could be good…hmmm…)
— with self-justifying images that tell me that I’m brilliant, enlightened, the best I was provoking all kinds of collusions in other people’s boxes
— the more I took responsibility for my team’s performance the more mistrusted they felt
— when you feel that you want to be out of the box for someone, in that moment you are already out
— if I try to get out of the box by changing others I’ll end up provoking others to give me reasons to stay in the box
o coping with others has the same deficiency
o it’s just another way to continue blaming
o leaving doesn't work either— the box goes with you
— in the box I end up communicating my box, whether I’m a skilled communicator or not
— the box itself is deeper than behavior
o the way out of the box has to be deeper than behavior
— the box is a metaphor for how I’m resisting others
o my self-betrayal isn’t passive
o I’m actively resisting what the humanity of others calls me to do for them
— in the moment we cease resisting others we’re liberated from the box
o the people we’re resisting are right before our eyes
— I can be in the box and out of it towards different people
— in the moment that I see another person with needs, hopes, and worries as real and legitimate as my own I’m out of the box
— we live insecurely when we’re in the box, desperate to show that we’re justified
— when we’re overwhelmed it’s our desperation to prove something about ourselves that is overwhelming
— it’s far better to recognize other people’s boxes without blaming them for being in the box
— success as a leader depends on being free of self-betrayal